The First Without

This was my first Father’s Day without my dad.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel today. In fact, I knew this whole month would be a bunch of numbers to me:

11 (June 11- 6 month anniversary of his death)

13 (June 13- 6 months since funeral)

19 (June 19- 6 months since his U.S. service)

and today, June 17. Father’s Day.

Not to my surprise, I was a bit sad.

I enjoyed the day with the kids and Daddy Roo.

The kids and I made him blueberry smoothies this morning (our neighbor has been practically begging for us to pick them off their bushes).

And we honestly didn’t do much during the day but work in the yard, fold laundry, run to the store and spend 1.5 hours waiting on Little Roo to go to sleep. (hooray that he finally went to sleep)

After dinner, we went to one of those frozen yogurt places where you serve yourself and add whatever toppings you like.

About those errands I ran today? I kept forgetting things. I forgot to write them on my list. While I was out I talked with Daddy Roo about getting them and I STILL forgot them. Luckily he understood that my mind just wasn’t all there today.

Earlier this morning I had a little cry to get it out. I uploaded this picture onto Facebook. It was our last time enjoying Costa Rica together back in 2005. We grew up going to Costa Rica, but it was our first time visiting the volcano Arenal.

The last times I was in Costa Rica, I first visited my dad in a hospital bed, then the next visit I rode behind his casket to his resting place. I like to remember the time in this picture above. When he walked without a cane, when he was stronger, healthier.

In less than two weeks, I’ll be in Costa Rica again. Seeing my family, traveling the country and visiting his gravesite again. Except this time there will be a headstone and the grass will have grown over the fresh dirt.

I’m sure he’ll be watching everyone meet the kids. I just wish he were still here in Earth so he could be the one making introductions.

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    • melissa says

      Good for you for being self-indulgent! Yep, it’s interesting to tread Father’s Day because you mourn your father yet celebrate your husband as a father. I know it’ll get easier and I can’t wait to be in Costa Rica in a few weeks. Thanks for the kind words, friend.

    • melissa says

      You’re welcome! And yes, the straws are awesome. I ordered them for my sister’s shower but I didn’t get them in time. So they became MINE. Haha.

  1. says

    My prayers and thoughts are with you. Your writing is simply moving. I hope your return trip to Costa Rica is filled with fun and happy memories and meeting family that can help your kids learn about what a great person your dad is and things he enjoyed about his homeland. Safe travels and take care!
    Tanya @ Mom’s Small Victories recently posted..Recipe Review: Tostones and Mojo Sauce (Fried Green Plantains with Cilantro-Garlic Sauce)

  2. says

    Bitter sweet for me too. My dad died in Costa Rica as well and even though it’s been 20 years, he seems to come into my mind on a daily basis. I looked at your photo above and it reminds me of a little place near Lake Arenal where we stayed called Mystica. Have a wonderful time visiting with your family. I can’t wait to do the same!
    Alessandra@ Tribal Times recently posted..Bensimon + Bakker Made tennis shoes

    • melissa says

      Hi Alessandra! Looks like have something quite significant in common, then. You’re so right- it’s bittersweet. That visit to Arenal was my 6th visit to Costa Rica but only my first time to that volcano. Thanks– I’m sure we’ll have a blast.

  3. Karen (Tricia's mom) says

    Hugs to you Mel. My father has been gone since the late 80′s. Father’s Day still brings up memories. They have softened over time, but I still miss him just as much.
    You will have an amazing time showing your family around Costa Rica. And your dad will be right there with you.

  4. says

    I’m saddened by your loss. Hold your family tight during this time. I’m sure he left you with great memories, keep those alive by telling others how wonderful he was.

  5. says

    I know you’ve probably heard it before– but it does get easier. The wounds, the regrets, the heartache, it all gets better with time. Hugs. I hope and am praying you’re doing well today. xo.

    • melissa says

      Thanks Jessica. It hung over me but my upcoming trip to Costa Rica makes me feel closer to him!

  6. says

    I feel your pain.. truly. I lost my Dad 4 months ago. And having to manage my mother’s care (she is mentally ill and has caregivers taking care of her) from 3000 miles away is a challenge.

    Hope with your trip to Costa Rica, your memories of him will be more sweet than painful.

    • melissa says

      I’m sorry for your loss too, Susan. Thanks for the well wishes to Coast Rica and I hope everything goes okay with your mom.