The First Without

by melissa on June 17, 2012 · 22 comments

This was my first Father’s Day without my dad.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel today. In fact, I knew this whole month would be a bunch of numbers to me:

11 (June 11- 6 month anniversary of his death)

13 (June 13- 6 months since funeral)

19 (June 19- 6 months since his U.S. service)

and today, June 17. Father’s Day.

Not to my surprise, I was a bit sad.

I enjoyed the day with the kids and Daddy Roo.

The kids and I made him blueberry smoothies this morning (our neighbor has been practically begging for us to pick them off their bushes).

And we honestly didn’t do much during the day but work in the yard, fold laundry, run to the store and spend 1.5 hours waiting on Little Roo to go to sleep. (hooray that he finally went to sleep)

After dinner, we went to one of those frozen yogurt places where you serve yourself and add whatever toppings you like.

About those errands I ran today? I kept forgetting things. I forgot to write them on my list. While I was out I talked with Daddy Roo about getting them and I STILL forgot them. Luckily he understood that my mind just wasn’t all there today.

Earlier this morning I had a little cry to get it out. I uploaded this picture onto Facebook. It was our last time enjoying Costa Rica together back in 2005. We grew up going to Costa Rica, but it was our first time visiting the volcano Arenal.

The last times I was in Costa Rica, I first visited my dad in a hospital bed, then the next visit I rode behind his casket to his resting place. I like to remember the time in this picture above. When he walked without a cane, when he was stronger, healthier.

In less than two weeks, I’ll be in Costa Rica again. Seeing my family, traveling the country and visiting his gravesite again. Except this time there will be a headstone and the grass will have grown over the fresh dirt.

I’m sure he’ll be watching everyone meet the kids. I just wish he were still here in Earth so he could be the one making introductions.

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1 Debi June 17, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Hang in there, Mel. Today was my 4th Father’s Day without my dad & I was pretty self-indulgent for most of it. Know that you’re not alone (even though people seem to avoid the topics of death, grieving & healing like the plague) & that your dad is with you always. There will be happy days ahead. I promise.
Debi recently posted..8 Reasons Every Family Needs "The Down and Dirty Guide to Camping With Kids"

2 melissa June 18, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Good for you for being self-indulgent! Yep, it’s interesting to tread Father’s Day because you mourn your father yet celebrate your husband as a father. I know it’ll get easier and I can’t wait to be in Costa Rica in a few weeks. Thanks for the kind words, friend.

3 Erin Lane June 18, 2012 at 9:16 am

Hugs my friend. Hugs and Love.
Erin Lane recently posted..Would he remember us?

4 melissa June 18, 2012 at 11:02 pm

Thanks girl.

5 Mommy Rodeo June 18, 2012 at 9:33 am

Thanks for reminding me to be thankful always for the time I still have with my dad…

P.S. TOTALLY off the subject – I love the straws on the smoothies.
Mommy Rodeo recently posted..Finally…a craft project complete

6 melissa June 18, 2012 at 11:02 pm

You’re welcome! And yes, the straws are awesome. I ordered them for my sister’s shower but I didn’t get them in time. So they became MINE. Haha.

7 Tanya @ Mom's Small Victories June 18, 2012 at 9:36 am

My prayers and thoughts are with you. Your writing is simply moving. I hope your return trip to Costa Rica is filled with fun and happy memories and meeting family that can help your kids learn about what a great person your dad is and things he enjoyed about his homeland. Safe travels and take care!
Tanya @ Mom’s Small Victories recently posted..Recipe Review: Tostones and Mojo Sauce (Fried Green Plantains with Cilantro-Garlic Sauce)

8 melissa June 18, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Thanks, Tanya! I really can’t wait to be there!

9 Alessandra@ Tribal Times June 18, 2012 at 9:39 am

Bitter sweet for me too. My dad died in Costa Rica as well and even though it’s been 20 years, he seems to come into my mind on a daily basis. I looked at your photo above and it reminds me of a little place near Lake Arenal where we stayed called Mystica. Have a wonderful time visiting with your family. I can’t wait to do the same!
Alessandra@ Tribal Times recently posted..Bensimon + Bakker Made tennis shoes

10 melissa June 18, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Hi Alessandra! Looks like have something quite significant in common, then. You’re so right- it’s bittersweet. That visit to Arenal was my 6th visit to Costa Rica but only my first time to that volcano. Thanks– I’m sure we’ll have a blast.

11 KeAnne June 18, 2012 at 9:46 am

I was thinking about you yesterday. My father died about a week before Father’s Day in 2010, and it is still a bittersweet day for us.
KeAnne recently posted..What’s in the Box?????

12 melissa June 18, 2012 at 11:08 pm

I imagine in many ways it will always be, won’t it. Hugs to you, friend!

13 Karen (Tricia's mom) June 18, 2012 at 10:01 am

Hugs to you Mel. My father has been gone since the late 80′s. Father’s Day still brings up memories. They have softened over time, but I still miss him just as much.
You will have an amazing time showing your family around Costa Rica. And your dad will be right there with you.

14 melissa June 18, 2012 at 11:09 pm

Thanks Karen. I’m sure he will be there. I can’t wait to be there!

15 LeiShell June 18, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I’m saddened by your loss. Hold your family tight during this time. I’m sure he left you with great memories, keep those alive by telling others how wonderful he was.

16 melissa June 18, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Thank you so much! I definitely will!

17 Jessica June 18, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I know you’ve probably heard it before– but it does get easier. The wounds, the regrets, the heartache, it all gets better with time. Hugs. I hope and am praying you’re doing well today. xo.

18 melissa June 18, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Thanks Jessica. It really means a lot!

19 Jessica June 18, 2012 at 10:23 pm

I thought of you on Father’s Day, knowing you had lost your dad this year. I hope the day passed as peacefully as it could have Melissa.
Jessica recently posted..Big Hair and Bad Shoes

20 melissa June 18, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Thanks Jessica. It hung over me but my upcoming trip to Costa Rica makes me feel closer to him!

21 Susan S. June 19, 2012 at 3:22 pm

I feel your pain.. truly. I lost my Dad 4 months ago. And having to manage my mother’s care (she is mentally ill and has caregivers taking care of her) from 3000 miles away is a challenge.

Hope with your trip to Costa Rica, your memories of him will be more sweet than painful.

22 melissa June 28, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I’m sorry for your loss too, Susan. Thanks for the well wishes to Coast Rica and I hope everything goes okay with your mom.

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